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This page is for you to write in with any problems that may be worrying you ( ESPECIALLY YOU 1st YEARS!) Auntie
Big Bird will do her best to help. Just drop her a note at rugbybirds@hotmail.com
Dear Auntie Big Bird
I don't know
what to do - i really find it hard to concentrate at rugby practice because i've fallen in love with one of the coaches. He's
so gorgeous i can't take my eyes off him and he just seems like such a nice guy. I'm missing out on so much in lectures because
i can't stop thinking about him, and i go to bed at night dreaming that something might happen with us one day. Problem is,
i just can't think that he'll ever even notice me because all the older birds are so pretty and really nice - why would he
want a fresher?!
I would love to tell you which boy it is that i like, but i really couldn't live it down if he ever found
out, and i'm scared of the fineage that i might get if other people know.
I'm finding it hard to sleep and my work is
slipping behind. Dr Wilton is my anatomy demonstrator and has even noticed that i haven't been preparing my anatomy. What
should i do?
I'm sure many other freshers must be in the same situation as me - all the coaches are just so nice. I've
never met boys like these in my life.
Please help,
Thank you from a fresher rugby bird
Dear love sick fresher,
We understand your pain! It's so hard being trained by such sexy beasts as our coaches but
as you grow into a fully fledged bird you'll learn that there's better guys out there than Coach Basset. Yes, we know
that's who you're talking about!!! None of us can resist his ginger locks and lickable nipples.
Our advice is to let us match you up in tackling practice...just make sure it's hard!
Love Aunty Big Bird xxx
Dear Aunty Big Bird,
Please can you set the record straight among these little chicks that
this is
not the most important match of the year. BECAUSE IT IS. Pride is at stake.
Arses will be kicked, and just because
we older birds have become slightly too
wrinkled to pass the tesco spring chicken quality control, we have also got
tougher
(and more chewy).
"it's not serious"........ we'll see....
Love a scraggy old hen.
xxxx
Dear scraggy old hen,
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and Auntie BB is typing this after the big event. Obviously the
young chicks weren't taking it seriously, which explains the 35 point margin. You old birds eh? A little clinical
experience and you think you're the bees knees. Well let me remind you on behalf of the fledglings, WE'LL END UP CHOOSING
YOUR NURSING HOME IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE! See you later, now play nice "young" lady!!
Auntie BB xx
Dear auntie big bird,
I have always be told to tell the truth at all times and no let people
(especially younger and less experienced than me!) beleive sumfing that is not true!
I keep meeting pre-clinical chicks who strangly believe they are
going to win a vitally important rugby match on march the 5th.
I feel it is my duty - as an older and wiser bird - to set the record
straight......THE OLD BIRDS ARE GOING TO KICK YOU ARSE!!!!
(and no matter how much you try and bet with me its not going to
work.....except if im very drunk!!! i.e. ur all going have to buy me drinks at medball)
love you all very much but as i've said....it ain't gona happen!!
love,
an older, wiser bird
xxxx
Dear Old welsh bird
kindly stop picking on my little chicks. i'm sure they are
just very excitable. i think you should chill out a bit, and return to playing rugby with your basket weaving friends. leave
my babies alone or i will tell them what you have been up to.
love Auntie BB x
Dear auntie big bird
I have to admit im not a rugby bird, i am he who produced the smelly gas during an initmate
moment. i feel as though certain contributing factors have been purposefully some might say left out of the rugby birds email.
what she fails to mention is the fact that she had fed me a WHOLE can of beans for lunch and a spicy curry for dinner!!!there
is only one result im afraid.i was also extremely apologetic to the bird in question.i was very much aware that it was inappropriate,
and what made things worse was the fact that i caught a whiff before it had arrived the nose of the rugby bird.another explaination
is the fact that the rugby bird i was intimate with is so gorgeous that i did as you rightly said lost concentration as my
mind was on bigger things(!!) and control of my sphincter was not high on my agenda.
i am not trying to excuse myself of this dreadful act, as i do realise how awful it was.i
just want my say to be broadcast to the world but more importantly the opinion of the birds!!
Lots of apologies...
Distressed rugby bird boyfriend
ps the rugby bird in question is sooo fit!!(brownie points???)
Dear distressed (smelly) boyfriend
Auntie BB accepts your apology on behalf of the wider rugby community. HOWEVER if we hear of
any reoccurences (and I will hear, I am all-powerful), then there shall be consequences. Grave ones. Capiche??
lots of love
Auntie BB xx
p.s. maybe you should try and concentrate on your bodily functions, rather than perving over Jack
Scully in Neighbours.
dear auntie big bird
i have a dear problem. i was in a passionate moment with a wonderful young man the other night and during a rather intimate
moment, he managed to produce some sort of gas produce which had a horrible stentch to it!! i was shocked at how someone so
polite could possibly even think of producing such a smell and during such intimacy. is there something wrong with me?? was
i not stimulating enough for him, that he managed to let one slip right out?? please help me and what can i do to help form
having this happen again. please reply quick as it is affecting my performance......
lots of love, distressed rugby bird
Dear distressed rugby bird,
aunty big big bird is also distressed by this! How rude it is! firstly, you must remember it is not
your fault. Boys are smelly! in fact, you may have been so stimulating, that he lost concentration, and just couldn't
stop it escaping! I suggest that you try to prevent this reoccuring by limiting his intake of beans and curry before such
intimate events. Failing this may you need to drink a bottle of wine before the act, and use the cork as a plug! (and just
in case, keep a peg handy for your nose)
best of luck
lots of love, Aunty Big Bird
Dear Auntie big bird,
I found myself unconcious on a cold, sick covered, night club toilet floor on thursday night. I believe this was because
i was forced to drink "Chardonnini" by a certain Rugby Referee! I believe with your past record Auntie you
are the best girl to ask about this so called drink, (which taste like old meat from a dirty horse stable) and whether
it should ever be drunk again!?
Love,
A Supporter of the Tiverton Hotel xxx
Dear naughty drunk
schoolgirl,
First of all, what were you doing allowing
a referee to get you drunk, especially if he is irish and more of a light weight than any of the birds!
Secondly, what is Chardonnini??? It sounds like a mixture of chardonnay
and lambrini which would never be a good combination!
My advice is that you stay clear from this chardonnini and stick
to something more classy like a good pint of beer! Also, i suggest you never listen to irish referees again!!!
I am very pleased that you are one of many guests and supporters of
Hotel Tiverton, it is THE place to stay and you should always feel welcome there!!
Lots of love your "always drunk herself" Aunty Big Bird
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Dear Aunty big bird,
I am currently wracked with guilt. After a recent Sports Night, I somehow found my way to a house occupied by a medic and
a couple of what I think you call "basket weavers". Anyway, after a brief dalliance with some girls in the bathroom, I found
myself throwing a rugby ball particularly forcefully at a second year sociologist, causing great fear and panic to spread
across his face. Do I need to return to the scene of the crime to apologise?
love,
A Concerned Fresher xx
Dear Concerned,
The drunken rugby thing is usually a bad thing. Things can easily be broken (noses
included) when the ball starts flying. So usually I would say yes, you do need to go back. Usually.
However, one vital detail changes all of that. The word SOCIOLOGIST. Sociologists
have very unstressed lives, the presence of a flying rugby ball was probably the most exciting thing to happen to him (?) all
week. So well done, you've probably made the lad's day. Perhaps try it with a medium-sized stone next time.
Dear Auntie Big Bird,
Alas I should know better by now, as I'm not a wee fresher and cannot use this
in my
defence. On the recent topic of said "weavers of the basket(s)" I have
part taken in relations with that sort. Perhaps
more even concerning is the fact
it is turning into a relationship compounded by my semi basket weaver
status as I'm
intercalating in b med y (oh why, oh why). I think I have a
severe case of basket-weaver-itis! HELP! what can I do? Before
long I'll be
sleeping till two in the afternoon, unable to chin a half and will bleat
incessantly about the muddy fields
and rain during training. Help me stop before
it is too late!
Dear intercalater,
These developments are indeed a smidge concerning. I always had my suspicions about you
BMedWhy types. If anyone in the club was going to partake in relations with workers in the wicker industry it was going
to be you guys. They'd better not be Geographers, that's all I can say!
Get out there, roll around in the mud, forsake all that is Trisha (but not This Morning, Fern
& Philip are legends!), chin pints (you can't get a half-Heidi!!), and for the love of all that is Rugby, DO NOT START
WEARING FLEECES OR ROUTINELY CARRYING COLOURING PENCILS!!
I shall be keeping an eye on you!! Big Bird is watching!
Love Auntie BB
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